It's not directed by Zack Snyder this time, but have no fear – it's still based on a Frank Miller graphic novel and will feature loads of blokes witIt's only six years old, but it's already impossible to conceive of a world where 300 was never made. In a 300-less world, Man of Steel might have been directed by someone who wasn't an angry 12-year-old boy. AndGerard Butler wouldn't have got to star in The Ugly Truth. And what on earth would the last train home be like if there weren't hundreds of cross-eyed stag-night types shouting "This is Sparta!" and vomiting Fosters on the seats? I shudder to think.
300: Rise of an Empire
Production year: 2014
Country: USA
Directors: Noam Murro
Cast: Lena Headey, Rodrigo Santoro, Sullivan Stapleton
In fact, 300 has made such an indelible mark on popular culture that the inevitable sequel is just around the corner. Next year's 300: Rise of an Empire isn't directed by Zack Snyder, but it's still based on a Frank Millergraphic novel – and it still stars loads of blokes who've drawn their own six-packs on with gravy browning – so it seems like it'll be business as usual. But let's take a closer look at the 300: Rise of an Empire trailer to find out.
Quick, if you haven't seen 300 yet, look away now because … oh, actually forget it. You've seen it now. Gerard Butler dies at the end of 300, and he's still dead during 300: Rise of an Empire. Sorry if that spoilt things for you. Still, nice Instagram filter. Brannan, I believe.
Anyway, enough about that happened in the last film, because we've got to see where King Xerxes lives. A kind of ancient episode of Cribs, if you will. "Here's where the magic happens," intones Xerxes as he halfheartedly gestures at a needlessly large statue of a horse behind him. Note that this scene also has the Brannan filter. There's nothing like consistency.
Now it's time for a scene of a topless man sanding his log in slow motion. There's no subtext here. He just really wants a nice smooth log.
But wait, what's this? In a dramatic change of style and content, we've suddenly switched to the Sutro Instagram filter to show this noted swordsman buffing his tool up close in slow motion. This is all very evocative, but I can't help feeling that at this rate the next scene is going to be of a train going into a tunnel or something.
Phew, it's not. Instead we're in classic 300 territory again. A load of blokes running up a hill and roaring at each other. The Lo-Fi filter with the contrast turned all the way up. This is exactly what we came to see.
Back to Brannan now, for another quick reminder that Gerard Butler died and everyone here is really fond of Brannan. Got that? Good.
Because here's Eva Green, apparently on some sort of walk of shame. She doesn't look very happy here. Maybe it's because she's just realised that she's only the eighth lead in this film after a bunch of male nipples. Or maybe it's because she's been stuck with Brannan, so all the viewers will subconsciously equate the image of her with the image of Gerard Butler's corpse. Either way, she does look rather glum.
And now for a close-up of a crying girl's face surrounded by fire. And, incidentally, since it has so shamelessly copied 300's visual style over the years, look out for lots of close-ups of crying girls' faces surrounded by fire on the next series of Top Gear.
Xerxes again. Still presenting Cribs. Still unable to comprehend that most people don't have a swimming pool of liquid gold in their living rooms. Probably about three seconds away from showing off a DVD copy of Scarface. This is Cribs, after all.
And finally, a man kicking another man against a wall in slow motion with the Amaro filter. Which seems like a wasted opportunity. Brannan is for dead Gerard Butler, Sutro is for heavy-handed homoeroticism, Amaro is for cats and dinners. Oh well, maybe they'll finally get it right next time.h gravy browning six-packs
Credits: guardian.co.uk
.jpg)
.jpg)
0 comments